My dad sent me an email of taglines from Steven Wright. Surprisingly, I hadn’t heard some of them, and some of them are quite hilarious. Hence, listed here for your reading pleasures.
(I was going to pick and choose, but I’m lazy and quite tired today, so I’ll just list all of them.)
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize .
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
4 replies on “Now with his own laugh track”
damn, it’s been FAR too long since i made an appearance on this site! these taglines are freaking hilarious, and i absolutely love your taco story! haha!
My favorite is “half the people you know are below average.” This is funny because it is not funny. I’ll explain. Suppose you have 4 people, and you measure them in some way, and they score 4, 4, 4, and 8. Then the average score is 5, so 3 out of 4 people are below average. What would be funny, and hence unfunny would be “more than half the people you know are below median.”
God, did I actually just write all that? I’m sorry.
Hey Lohans! Thanks for your compliment on the taco story, it was a lot of fun to write. You should consider writing a story for the micro-fiction some week, it’s great!
Hey Kevin, thanks for stopping by. I hope you don’t mind I linked to your blog. It’s always nice to know there are fun dorks out there in the world like myself, who are willing to expound on taglines until hilarity ensues. Please do come back anytime, your comments are welcome 🙂
Hey, thanks for the link! I’ll reciprocate. It seems you’re linked all over the place – I’ve gotten here via 2 or 3 seemingly unrelated blogs.