Baby Got Bud

My ode to the allergy season,
a la Sir Mix-A-Lot:

—

*talking*
Oh my god, Becky,
look at her pistil,
It is so big.
She looks like one of those worker bees’ girlfriends,
But y’know, who understand those workers?
They only harvest her because
she looks like a total pollen-whore, kay,
I mean her buds, they’re just so big.
I can’t believe they’re so round, they’re like, out there.
I mean, it’s so gross,
look, she’s just so ripe.

*rap*
I like big buds and I can not lie,
you other workers can’t deny,
when you find a plant with some itty bitty leaves
and she’s hoarding those ripe seeds
You get sprung,
Wanna pull up tough
‘cuz you noticed those buds were stuffed.
Deep in the petals she’s wavin’,
I’m hooked for the pollen I’m cravin’,
Oh, posy I wanna get with ya,
and grab a pitcha’,
my home-bees tried to dissuade me,
but those buds you got
have really sprayed me.
Ooh rumple-smooth-petal,
You say you wanna get in my shtetl?
Well feed me, feed me, ’cause you ain’t that average peony.

Seen her petals waving,
to hell with pollen-saving,
she’s powder,
don’t crowd her, gonna eat her like a chowder.

I’m tired of magazines,
saying little buds are the thing,
take the average worker and ask him what he need,
she gotta pack much seed.

So fellas (yeah?), fellas (yeah?),
has your girlfriend got the bud? (hell yeah!)
Tell her to wave around,
spray it out,
even drone-bees got to shout.
Baby got bud.

—

Sometimes I worry about me.

Funny thing. When I was up in Port Townsend recently, Sir Mix-A-Lot was playing at some local dive. We didn’t go see him, being that there was swing-dancing that night and we’re total swing-dorks, but it might have been worth it for sheer absurdity value. I remember back in the day, I swore by Mix-A-Lot (who swears a lot!). Nowadays, I feel bad for him, but not enough to go see his show in smalltown Washington. What a big fall that is though, huh? Maybe he should have gotten into movies, like Ice-T. Oh look, he had a brief appearance in Meet Wally Sparks. Lucky him. MTV has an interesting, if brief, bio here.

And to think, I always wanted to be swass like him.
But hey, maybe he’ll launch a comeback.
Or end up on a reality show.

Definately one or the other.