Happy Valentine’s.
Category: humor
The coolest news story, ever.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Today the Paris Guardian reported on the hottest new trend in Parisian gang weaponry: attack monkeys. “They’re ultra-fashionable,” said Didier Lecourbe, a police officer from the depressed Paris suburb of Aubervilliers. “Now that the authorities have cracked down on pit bulls, Dobermans, and rottweilers, apes are becoming the new weapon of choice.” Imported illegally through Spain from Gibraltar, Morocco, and Algeria, the Barbary apes are known for their powerful limbs, sharp teeth, and short tempers; removed from their natural habitat, they can become highly aggressive, and their favored method of attack is to hurl themselves at people’s heads. Police believe as many as 500 Barbary apes have been smuggled into France in the past two years.
Thanks to Jason for the link.
Yeah, Zelda!
But really, I was just gonna throw down some more links.
This article over at The Beast is one of the funniest and most well-written pieces of editorial comment I’ve read in some time. I got the link via Kottke because I depend on people more well-informed than I am to tell me what to read.
Connor Moran is a local, and he knows how to tell a joke. I can appreciate that, even if the bastard never links to our comic.
We tumbling vestments,
warm and content, if dizzy;
you cannot bleach our souls.
12.14.2005 Ahniwa Ferrari
Oh me, oh my,
I’m getting dry;
a flock of socks has
just passed by,
their long necks out
and wrapped about
each other.
They’re indecent like that,
socks.
12.14.2005 Ahniwa Ferrari
This would be a terrible gift for the visually impaired, because you don’t give the visually impaired one quarter of a decade-old Playboy as a gift.
But for you? Put it out on the coffee table like I did. Owning Playboy in Braille is like having a Day-Glo orange monkey that can curse in Farsi. It gets attention. People talk.
As opposed to being eaten, and to appease Sister Amos, who worries of such occurrences in an obsessive manner.
First off, I found this site. This site is ridiculously awesome. Sure, it’s crass, but so are monkeys. Some gems:
Meteorologists here have forecast a drop in temperatures
after days of severe heat which forced officials to convert local citizens
into ice-cream bars killing dozens of people in the past week.
A Chinese safari park has dyed the fur of its monkeys black, yellow and
white to ring in the Lunar New Year of the Monkey, which started on Thursday.“We had to anaesthetise them first,” said a worker at the Forest Safari
Park in the city of Shenyang. “That was really hillaroius, we got drunk
and used their unconcious bodies as puppets”.
The Rhinos wouldn’t normally eat meat but they are stupid and
easily tricked.
And with pictures like this, this, and this, you know you’re getting your mon(k)ey’s worth.
I voted for the Monkey King. Twice.
That is all.
I’ve officially dubbed today “Typography Monday”. What does this mean? A couple things. For one, it means I named the theme of the day before Theo, and that’s a first. Second, it means that Theo is much zanier than I, but I outgeek him at a ratio of 3.7 to 1. So, yeah … typography.
It all started when Theo mentioned that I should get a printing press. Since I have a small apartment, I would have to keep it in the kitchen, which would mean no more eating. Ever. I countered with a cunning business plan, which I have named:
Font-Face Sandwiches. Open-Font Sandwiches?
Who knows, the point is, it’s totally brilliant. Just think, an “amper-sandwich” with cheddar, mustard and tomato. Ellepsis eats for the hunger that never … really … ends ….
Ampersandwich! Hahahahahah!!!
And not just sandwiches, either. How about:
Garamond Gazpacho
Lucida Lentils
Spaghetti Sans Serif
I could go on, and on, and on. Really, you’d be amazed and worried about just how ongoing I could go.
Hamburger Helvetica
Courier Croissants
Arial Angel Hair al Dente
Okay, that one is just dumb. But you get the picture. I’m taking a half day today. Think I’ll go have lunch … like an ampersandwich! The only food that practically asks you to add a side-dish!
Subject: To all the “Heathens” I love so well
Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 14:03:01 -0700 (PDT)
Friends:
I’m sure that many of you have already felt the all-encompassing love of Our Noodley Lord, but I wanted to take a moment…to give testimony.
I was 29 when I felt the first stirrings of the FSM at work in me. Brother O’Donnell had passed along Our Lord’s message of hope and healing, but at first I turned away from the light of His Starchy Magnificence. No doubt it was the stony hand of the No-Carb lifestyle that still clutched at my breast, weighing down my soul, as the paperweight doth weigh down important documents, such as receipts and power bills and pornography. But no sooner did I look upon the tangled wonder that is His Noodleness than the scales fell from my eyes! Yea, though I walked through the Valley of the Shadow of High Protein Diets, I would certainly fear no empty calories. No longer, friends! I have felt the Touch of His Noodly Appendage, and smelled the smell of his Refreshing, Tomato-Based, Sauce-like Covering. Surely, it is the smell of Salvation.
Please, friends. Follow me along the path. Your first step begins here: http://www.venganza.org/
May you all find the peace that I did. And perhaps buy a t-shirt.
Cheers, Sister Rachel, O.F.S.M.S.M (Order of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Sisters of Mercy)
PS – Thanks again to Brother O’Donnell for showing me the way to the light.
That’s right kids, it’s Bananaphone Monday! Chock full of scrumptious links for your viewing enjoyment, high in potassium and zaniness!
First up to bat: Bananaphone gets a South Park remix.
Next up, we fly back to the 60s for a little spoken word.
Sad, really. Follow that with my favorite of the “bunch”. A sadistic, bananaphone flash movie!
May cause seizures.
Badger Badger Badger, Bananaphone!
I really don’t understand. I really don’t.
A brief respite from Bananaphone. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And here is some llamaness.
llamallamaduck
I look forward to explaining this to my own children one day. Or perhaps to my cats. Or plants. Or just to the wall. I have commitment issues.
So today has started off well. So far, all before lunch, I have:
Me: “Calm down, it’s going to be okay. We can reset your password.”
Stu: “It’s not even worth it. You know what? I just can’t … I just … it’s not even worth it. I don’t care anymore, anyway. I mean … I just. I have to go, I have to go now.”
Me: “Look, look at me. It’s all right. I’m here with you, we’ll get through this together. Your account was locked out, but look, I unlocked it for you. See, all better. Now, all you have to do is enter a new password, here and here. It’ll be all right.”
Student begins typing in a new password
Me: “It has to be between six and fourteen characters, and it can’t be the same as any of your previous five passwords.”
Stu: “What!? What!!! Oh my god, oh my fucking god, I can’t deal with this. This is just … oh god! How many? Okay, what? Six … fourt … ummm, I can’t, wait … no, okay.”
Student enters in the word “god”. It doesn’t work.
Me: “No, look, it has to be between six and fourteen-”
Stu: “Fuck you! You know what, fuck you! I don’t need this! You’re supposed to HELP me! Fuck … you know what, just fuck you!”
Student killed me with a computer monitor and stormed out, crying.
So okay, I guess that didn’t go so well.
After lunch. Well, I have big plans for after lunch.
Secret plans …
In the mornings, we ramble:
Ahniwa: oh my …
Theo: it’s gonna be crazy
Ahniwa: definately crazy, like vinyl sunglasses crazy
Theo: alligator mini-skirt crazy
Ahniwa: giraffe-print pajamas
Theo: like these: http://www.crazyforbargains.com/bubrgicopafo.html
in a one-size-fits-all kinda way
Ahniwa: something like that
i didn’t realize it was so hard to find a decent pair of giraffe pajamas on the internets
Theo: yeah, that was my problem.
I’m genuinely concerned at the complete lack of pics of giraffes IN pajamas.
Ahniwa: yes, absolutely
Theo: I like Mcsweeny’s today
Ahniwa: this is cute though: http://www.marythackston.com/filterfrenzy2/weektwo/giraffes.jpg
Theo: awww!
Ahniwa: oooh, kona coffee flavored cigars
Theo: where?
Ahniwa: hulagirlthestore.com
Theo: Utah: The State Version of a Polite Nod in the Office Hallway
Ahniwa: heh
Theo: nice storefront
Ahniwa: http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink10766.html
bartender: what can i get ya?
you: a fucking monkey
Theo: that sounds sooo good…
Ahniwa: they have a whole list of monkey drinks on the sidebar
Theo: damn…
Ahniwa: and a drink called no fucking idea
Theo: haha
Ahniwa: i wonder how long it would take to explain that to the bartender
Theo: what do you want? No fucking idea
Ahniwa: yeah
whoah: http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink698.html
Theo: Wholly crap. That would make me shit my pants
dude… http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink114.html
that’s what I need. An absinthe frappe.
Ahniwa: i’m sure you can get one at starbucks!
Theo: only a matter of time.
Whenever people complain about the state of society here, I’m going to point out that you still can’t get an absinthe frappe at Starbucks. That’ll show ’em.
Ahniwa: won’t you be proving their complaints valid?
i just want a coffee-flavored monkey
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?
Theo: Oh…I was imagining their complaint would be that there’s TOO MUCH debauchery. But yeah, I see what you mean.
The temptation to eat him with a light cream sauce would be wayyyy too high forme.
for me..even
Ahniwa: there is far too little debauchery in our country
too much coitus, too little debauchery
Theo: damn skippy!
http://sharkys-martini-bar.com/ Personalized martini glasses
Ahniwa: it’s a clumsy battlecry: “less coitus, more debauchery”
Theo: it sounds too titillating. Although that’s probably the proper effect
Ahniwa: maybe we should just stick with “ring, ring, ring, BANANARCHY!”
because i think that really sums it up well
Theo: much better. I would totally participate in a raffi-led revolution.
The Algonquin Hotel in New York offers a Martini that costs $10,000. Why? Because the main ingredient is a diamond. No one has ever ordered it and you must order it 3 days in advance.
Ahniwa: dude, i would so do that if i was a bagajillionaire
maybe
Theo: when we get there, we should go order that drink
http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink3191.html
I just like the name
This isn’t new.
In fact, it seems to be nearly two weeks old.
This means that, in internet terms, it’s positively archaic.
But it still cracks my shit up.
Categories
I’m going blind for mankind
Merci pour votre patience pendant que je traduit tout de ce blog en Francais. Je vous plaisant, bien sur, mais c’est vrai qu’il faut faire des changes ici. Ne me quittez pas! Je reviendrai.
Gros bisous,
l’homme autrefois connait comme “bava”.
babelfish: french–> german–> english
Thanks for your patience, while I translate everything this blog into French. I you pleasing naturally, but it is true that one must make rates of exchange here. Do not leave me! I will return.
Large kisses,
humans known in former times as “bava”.
Today offers some witty and/or simply odd repartee:
I ate a frog with a spork once.
Like when you used to call my penis ‘the best thing since sliced beer.’
I’ll just take this melted drive and rub it on my dick until our files grow back!
I’ve just got a little bit of backfired plan caught in my eyes.
Theo found a new comic yesterday, called Hous’d, which I’m gonna check out. Then maybe I’ll check out some of the other comics from this list. Because you can never have too many comics.
Aperitif: a light follow-up on the palindrome post.
Entree: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Like, when you’re short on materials and you need to make a scarf, you use your “desperate measuring tape” to make you feel like it will be long enough, when actually it’s neither thick, long, nor wide enough (remember, we’re talking about a scarf here). So I posted a personal ad on craigslist – which you can read here for another couples weeks if you like – which I’d like to think is less desperate than it is modern. I am a man of the times. Here is my internet personal ad, hear me roar. It’s a good ad. I put a lot of thought into it. I’m a decent writer. It contains a lot of who I am, and if you get my sense of humor, it’s even pretty funny. I sat back and waited for the replies to roll in. Soon, I knew, I’d be fighting girls off with a stick, and Keira would be calling me to have coffee with her while she was in town for some red-carpet event or another.
Well, so far it hasn’t gone quite as planned. I have gotten multiple responses. By multiple, I mean two. I understand that the tone of my ad is fairly intellectual, so I immediately scared away all the vacuous rain-bunnies that the soggy northwest has to offer. Still, are there only two girls out there who read Craigslist, have an odd sense of humor, and are looking for a nice guy? The funny thing is, both responses I received were in response to my speaking French. I’d pretty much ruled out my French skills as a way to meet girls since, oh, High School when I met Helena Teddergreen in French class my freshman year but was entirely too flustered (and too much of a dork) to talk to her. Besides which, she was like two grades ahead of me and in High School that’s a super-big deal. That and the fact that during my stay in France there were no French girls who fell immediately for my moody and sophisticated American demeanor pretty much ruled out French as a valid method of seduction. Maybe I shouldn’t have crossed it off my list so soon.
One of the respondent lives in Tacoma, and did nothing more than invite me to the TacomaCityFrenchUp! picnic on July 20th. Not with her, just in general. I emailed her back, but she hasn’t yet responded. The other respondent lives in Seattle, and so far has been mostly restrained and reticent in our correspondence. It’s hard to get excited about meeting someone when getting them to tell you about themselves is like pulling teeth. Granted, we are strangers, but there’s a certain social contract involved with placing personal ads, and with answering them, that implies a level of voluntary information sharing. Perhaps La Francaise from Tacoma will email me again, and I’ll go to that picnic. Perhaps I’ll drive to Seattle and meet Ms. Taciturn. In either case, my expectation for true love via internet personal ad is greatly diminished.
Though I’m still waiting for Keira to call.
Digestif: In the meantime, I went to the swing dance last night after playing swing hookie for a couple weeks. My friend Lee was in town DJing, and I had a blast dancing and chatting with people. I did meet someone new, who seems very nice. We even exchanged phone numbers. It just goes to show that the best way to meet people is, and probably always will be, to go out and do things you enjoy. The rest will follow.
Linguistics are fun!
Answers.com presents: palindromes!
This part blows my mind:
The Latin palindrome “Sator Arepo Tenet Opera Rotas” (roughly “The farmer by his labour keeps the wheels to the plough”) is remarkable for the fact that it reproduces itself also if one forms a word from the first letters, then the second letters and so forth. Hence it can also be arranged into a square which can be read either horizontally or vertically:
S A T O R
A R E P O
T E N E T
O P E R A
R O T A S
Isn’t that just too cool for words!?
Well, evidently not. *snicker*
Some of my other favorites, listed:
Able was I, ere I saw Elba. (the famous Napoleon’s Lament, source unknown)
I nam’d am devil Eros; a sore-livéd madman, I.
Name now one man’s sensuousness. Name now one man.
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era? (Bill Bryson)
“Lewd did I live, & evil I did dwel.” (John Taylor, the Water Poet)
Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.”
Aias sadas saia: “It rains white bread in the garden.” (Estonian)
“Esope reste ici et se repose”: “Aesop is resting here and relaxing” (French)
“Et la marine va, papa, venir à Malte”: “And the navy, father, is coming to Malta” (French)
Eh, ça va la vache?: “Hey, how you doing, cow ?” (French)
Rám német nem lel, elmentem én már: “The Germans won’t find me, I’m already gone.” (1943) (Hungarian)
È Dio, lo gnomo mongoloide?: Is the mongoloid gnome God? (Italian)
Sum summus mus. (“I am the mightiest mouse.”) (Latin)
God apa gavs galna anlag, svag apa dog: Meaning “Good monkey was given crazy genetic disposition, weak monkey died.” — note that all the spaces match, which is rare for longer palindromes. (Swedish)
anropa aporna!: Meaning “Call the monkeys!”. (Swedish)
Woo, Swedish monkey palindromes! Life rocks. 🙂
I was going to move to Tacoma.
I was going to work at the Tacoma Library.
It was going to be full-time, and I could have afforded to buy a kitten, eat two meals a day, and walk in the park.
But NO! My band of pirate lizards will make you pay, Tacoma Library!
In related news, I’ve noticed a trend, more and more, towards impersonal and graded interview techniques. No longer does it matter if you have a winning personality, or, frankly, what your interviewer thinks of you. First, before anything, you take a test which will determine your eligability to even get an interview. If you score in the top 16, of about 80 people, you will be interviewed. I scored 7, good enough, considering I forgot a calculator and had to do about 30 long math problems on paper. During the interview, they write down, nearly verbatim, all your answers. Later, this is run through an algorithm that will pull out certain “buzzwords”: welcoming, relate, cornucopia, etc …. These words will help in determining how precisely you answered the question like they wanted you to answer it. Each answer will then be given a score, and the talley will be the final score for your interview. Personality and desire, as long as they are not clearly unacceptable, are not scored. The score for your interview, indifferent to what your interviewers thought of you or how much you’d really, really, really like the job, will solely determine your success.
Soon enough, a robot will interview you, and record your voice. It will run the algorithm, determine eligibility and based on employment and interview history, the likelihood of any of the following interviewees doing better than you, and will tell you if you got the job on the spot.
“Thank you for interviewing with HAL 9000, your friendly interview-bot. You’re fired.”